Two male engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit."
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him."
"Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can’t these guys play at night?"
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemised accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark, $1. Knowing where to put it, $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want for a week." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, that’s cool."
Four engineers were driving to a conference together when their car stopped dead in the road. The Electrical Engineer said it was clearly a wiring problem and they needed to check the fuses. The Chemical Engineer said obviously it was a clog in the fuel line – all they needed to do was clean the fuel filter. The Mechanical Engineer said that they were all mistaken – surely it had thrown a rod and they needed to rebuild the engine. They all waited for the Software Engineer to say something, as he just sat there. Finally they asked him what he thought was wrong. He shrugged his shoulders and said "I don’t know maybe if we get out of the car and get back in it’ll start."
A math and engineering conference was being held. On the train to the conference, there were both math majors and engineering majors. Each of the math majors had his/her own train ticket. But the Engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The math majors started laughing and snickering. The engineers ignored the laughter. Then, one of the engineers said, "Here comes the conductor". All of the engineers piled into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and collected tickets from all the math majors. He went to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said, "Tickets please". An engineer stuck their only ticket under the door. The conductor took the ticket and left. A few minutes later, the engineers emerged from the bathroom. The math majors felt really stupid. On the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had ONE ticket for their group. They started snickering at the engineers, who had NO tickets amongst them. When the engineer lookout shouted, "Conductor coming!", all the engineers again piled into a bathroom. All of the math majors went into another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said, "Ticket please."
Two engineers walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
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